One of the most argued things about in a marriage is money, but it doesn’t have to be that way. We’ve found ways to not fight about money in our marriage and it’s easier than you think. Read on to learn how.
Why Is There Tension Over Money?
There are various reasons that couples fight about money. These can include not agreeing on how money is spent, not having the same mindset when it comes to money, and not having enough money.
Many of these issues surrounding money can be alleviated by having open and honest conversations with your significant other about money, how it’s spent, financial goals, your personal feelings about money, and more.
Obviously, you can’t talk yourself into magically earning more money but siting down and having conversations as well as mapping out where your money goes every month can be a huge help to relieving that tension.
It’s also important to think about your own history and relationship with money. Did you grow up in a household where you didn’t have enough money for everyday essentials such as food and clothing? Or did you grow up in a home where you were able to get whatever you needed, and maybe even whatever you wanted? Our past with money shapes our future and no matter what that past is, it’s important to examine it and decide how to use it moving forward.
#1 Tip: Open Communication
Everything that I’ll be discussing below hinges on ONE thing and one thing only, open communication with your spouse about money.
This means communicating with each other about your past with money from how it was perceived in your household growing up to your own personal history with it.
Some things to discuss:
- What was your money situation growing up? Did your parents have enough money for what you needed or were they barely making it?
- Have you been in credit card debt before? If so, how did you get out of it, if you did?
- Do you have a low credit score or a high credit score?
- Do you keep a budget? If so, do you stick to it?
- Do you just buy whatever you want impulsively or do you save for things you want?
- Do you feel that the money you bring into the household is just yours or is it shared equally?
- Are you more of a saver or a spender?
All of these things and more are important to talk about with your partner to get on the same page.
How Open Communication Helped Us
To be honest, I really liked spending money most of my life up until I met my husband and we talked finances when we were dating. I always spent within my means and was never in credit card debt because my parents taught me to not spend more than I had but I did have student loans and a car loan when we met which was something he was bummed taking on as a couple since he had gotten out of debt.
We talked it through though, we started having biweekly budget meetings to discuss where our money would go and we stuck to that budget. We kept our wedding costs under $10K in a time where the average cost of a wedding was $25K. Within a few years of getting married we not only bought our first home, had to sink $50K into surprise repairs, but we also paid off my car loan and student loans! All while working two jobs that quite honestly, didn’t make much.
All that to say, no matter your history with money, you can work together to make things work.
No Secrets!!
It’s really important to not have secrets when it comes to money. That’s just going to cause your partner to not trust you and cause more tension within the relationship.
When we talk about budgeting later, that’s when you can discuss how much will be spent on things you need and things you want. You can also work on saving up for things together.
Secret bank accounts, secret credit cards, secret debt of any kind is NOT a good idea.
Tip 2: Keep Money Together or Apart?
When we were getting ready to get married, we met with a pastor for pre-marriage counseling for a couple sessions. This was partially because we didn’t know the pastor at all since we chose a church we had never been to about an hour away from us in the town that we wanted to get married at! This way, he had a better idea of who we were as a couple for when he presided over our wedding and we got some great tidbits of advice along the way.
One of the first things he asked was how we manage money, if we were going to have a shared bank account or separate.
At that time, we didn’t have any children and we both worked full time. I made slightly more money than him but that didn’t matter. We lived apart until we got married so we had our own finances prior to marriage.
We planned on keeping it that way until this pastor presented it in a way that having money together will help us feel closer as we should share everything.
Now, this may not work for some couples, I get that. However, for us, after some consideration, we decided to jump in and combine everything and we haven’t looked back!
It’s worked out really well for us to combine our finances so we always know what’s going on in terms of our overall money situation and we don’t feel separated in that sense.
Since then, I decided I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom so now my husband has been our only income for the past 8 years! Does he hold that over my head? NO!
Early on when we had 3 kids under 3, due in part to twins, daycare would have cost significantly more than I brought in a year, despite having two graduate degrees and doing well in my field.
Fast forward to now, our kids are school age but I’m still home with them as we feel more comfortable with them doing online school and I work on my blogs and other side ventures (which honestly…don’t really bring in money more than just keeping my blogs afloat! That’s ok though, I do it to help people.)
Being able to live comfortably on one income leads me to tip #3…
Tip 3: Create a Budget
I know, I know, budgeting does NOT sound like fun. My idea of keeping a budget before I met my husband was to reverse budget in a sense where at the end of the month I’d write down where all my money went…
While helpful, it…wasn’t all that helpful.
When I started planning for where my money would go instead of looking at it after the fact, I was a lot more prepared for things to come and was able to make better financial decisions.
I wrote a whole blog post about Budgeting 101 here so I won’t rehash it in this blog post but it’s likely easier than you think.
Once you’ve gone through the steps of the Budgeting 101 blog post, you can start to build a picture of where your money is going to go every month and plan for the future instead of react to what happened in the past.
Does this mean you can’t buy fun stuff? NO, not at all! Build that in to your budget!
My husband and I share our finances and we build in ‘fun money’ each month that we can spend on whatever we want! If there is something coming up like we know we’re going to need a new pair of shoes or clothing or whatever else, we can add that to the next month’s budget, within reason. I mean, I wouldn’t go replace my whole wardrobe as you still want to spend less than you earn, but a few items here or there aren’t too bad.
The $60 each that can spend on whatever we want a month includes my monthly Pandora subscription, online newspaper subscription, and any other things I want to buy for myself. Sometimes I spend it all, sometimes I don’t. It all depends.
Overall though, we know what to expect for our monthly expenses such as utilities, mortgage payment, income, children’s extracurricular activities, groceries, and more.
Do things pop up unexpectedly? Yes! Of course!
We have room in the budget for most things and have savings accounts for other things that crop up so we don’t have to go into debt.
Overcome Challenges Together
As I wrote earlier, there are times when things pop up that are not able to be planned for and that you cannot control.
If you’ve planned ahead, stuck to your budget overall, and have worked together, there’s nothing you can’t solve!
Even if something huge happens such as a vehicle breaks down and you have to go into debt a bit, you can work together to devise a plan of how to get out of that debt and you’ll be stronger as a couple afterward!
Years ago my husband needed a new vehicle. We had about 30% of the cost of the vehicle in savings and had to take out a loan for the rest of it.
This hurt my husband’s pride a lot BUT we knew we’d work hard to pay that debt off.
Within about 6 months we paid off that loan!
We looked at our budget, figured out where we could cut costs for the next several months, and did so! It was great to be able to pay off that loan quickly before the interest got us.
It was also neat to do it together because it’s much better to work toward a goal with someone than on your own. (as long as they hold up their end of the bargain, right?!)
Start Small, Start Today
I hope these tips have helped you at least think about how to work with your partner to manage money instead of letting the money manage you and cause fights.
I know money is a big topic and it can feel overwhelming. Just start with something small, talking about your history with money to your partner, ask them about theirs, and go from there.
My husband and I aren’t perfect but we’re very glad that we figured out the whole money thing early on, as a lot of things have popped up over our 10+ year marriage that could have caused a lot of money issues (like…twins?!?) but we already knew how to save and handle things well.
Also, without going too deep into family history as I don’t want to upset anyone, let me just say that I know what it’s like when there is fighting about money and how it’s spent in the household, which is part of why it’s so important that we are on the same page regarding money, and I hope you will be too!
Throughout my parenting journey with 3 kids on a single income, I have become an expert in living comfortably within our means without feeling restricted and I will help you do the same.
I'm a former school psychologist who left my career to stay home with my children, hence the one-income family and needing to adapt to that mentality while still living comfortably.